Worried about bleeding lungs? Bleeding orifices? We, at the CDC, have got you covered. When the bleeding starts, just call our toll free number and one of our professional “watchers” will be dispatched to your home. Within minutes, s/he will be watching you bleed, with the greatest attention and interest. The watching will be intense and focused. We will not stop watching you bleed until, well, there is no more blood left to bleed. Of course, we won’t actually do anything to stop the bleeding. The Tamiflu will be gone by then, there won’t be any vents or ECMO, and vaccine won’t be available for you until Spring Break (by which time you likely won’t need it).
The CDC. Nobody beats us at watching Americans die. We’re just that good.